When to let go
The relationship we have with our dogs is complex and sometimes goes much deeper than those we have with the humans we have around us.
They can be a safe place emotionally, comforting and steady with little need to explain ourselves or apologise to.
Dogs do not judge our dress code, our hair if it is brushed or really what we earn or how we earn it...but dogs do judge, Emmy was a classic example. Her 'fairness code' was strict and she had old fashioned views on manners.
If a dog disrespected her she would be swift in judgement and in moderating their ways. If it was me who had been judged lacking in some way then she would let me know with a dismissive sniff, strong stink eye and then a stalk away. I could be in the naughty corner for hours before we made up. She kept me accountable, I love that in a dog.
Our dogs may well spend more time with us than family and seem to understand us better. Media speaks of 'unconditional love' when referring to our dogs but I feel that is a heavy burden to place on them.
Love is always conditional and should be. What do we bring to their lives? Are we meeting their needs? Are we meeting in the middle with some compromises and do we constantly strive to improve our relationship via clear communication and honesty?
Dogs are not perfect though, they can be creaters of chaos, conflict and stress in our lives if not managed and trained appropriately. If we do not set our own boundaries then a dog is wired to make the best of it's life and to take opportunities as they present. This can often be at the expense of the owner or of other pets in the household.
All of this leads to our dogs often being a huge part of our lives, our day to day existence.
Many of our patterns are based on them and fulfilling their needs as well as them being there for us.
Walking, socializing, driving, kicking back and relaxing, sleeping at night...my dogs are there all the time.
So when one is ageing or illness is slowing them down then the time spent being their carer is even greater.
I have a deep melancholy when i realise that one of my crew is getting to that age of slowing down and not being able to do as much as they used to. I miss their vibrancy and athletic ways when they play or just get about doing their dog projects.
Emmy slowed down by about age 14 as cancer started to take a hold as well as the usual age related issues of selective hearing, night vision issues and then finally dementia and incontinence by the time she was done with this life. Those last months she varied between stoic little trooper that just got on with life and the sad Emmy that was a bit over everything. The next day she would trot off on her bury stuff projects, check the steel pile for that rat and generally get huffy about the other dogs stealing her stuff after she had buried it.
She slept longer and deeper during the day but got the dementia trot trots at night and found it hard to settle.
I started to use stress drops, heat packs and weighted blankets to settle her and this worked well for awhile.
She seemed to be hanging on for a reason and it all became clear the evening she finally caught that Steel Pile Rat.
Once that nemesis was dusted off she went into rapid decline, job done I am off now.
We took her into the vet for her final visit and sent her on her way. She lies buried now in the garden with her fave Wubba and wrapped in her blankie. There is a special Rose Bush planted over her and the remembrance poppies will pop up next year from seeds sprinkled.
Emmy will always be here in our hearts and our memories, we miss her very much but to have prolonged her life for our own selfish reasons was never going to happen. When a dog is done, they will tell you and you must honour that. That is your contract between you both, that you will always advocate for your dog even when it feels like you just cant.
There are many religions in the world and even more belief systems that don't involve a god.
Mine is simple, honour the dog. There was a book I read "the art of racing in the rain", the narrative sat well with me.
I hope that one day I meet our Emmy again and that she has a better turn of the wheel next time. A better start to life and that she dodges the whole learned helplessness, anxiety and neurotic quirks that crappy first owners left her with as a legacy. I want her to be the biggest bravest soul from the start and to make her way in the world again with much joy.
To those who have loved and lost I send you kind thoughts and may you find peace, lose any guilt of honouring that contract. To those who are facing this choice now then please hold strong, your dog should come first now.
Vale Emmy

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